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I love to talk and I love reaching points in a conversation where I think I can contribute.

I love banter, debate,  a good deep philosophical conversation.

What I’m realising though is I’m not a great listener and I want to be. I always thought that I was completely present in my conversations, but the more I  observe my own behaviour, the more I realise my concentration levels suck (a technical term).

I’ve been able to see that when I’m in a conversation I’m quite often waiting for an opportunity to jump in with a gem of wisdom or an experience I’ve had rather than really paying attention. That my mind wanders  off on a tangent processing bits of the day that have been or are yet to come. That by not really being there fully in a conversation I miss SO MUCH.

So I’m declaring myself a great listener in training. My mission (should I choose to accept it) is to be mindful of being present in every conversation I have. Not to tune out or judge which conversations require my full attention just to be there with my mouth shut and my mind open.

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First of all let me say a big sorry for being so tardy in getting here. A vicious dose of the flu has had me shaking in my bed for the last week. It stripped me of every ounce of energy I had and even though I  felt awful about letting you down, actually making it to my computer wasn’t even in my realm of possibility. Thankfully my cough is finally receding and I feel like I’m on the mend so here I am again.

What  I wanted to share with you this week was a talk I received in my inbox (when I finally got to it) from Brene Brown Ph.D. She is an amazing woman whose blog I absolutely adore. She is a research professor and writer at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and has  spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, and authenticity – which I didn’t even know was possible. She has an amazing breadth of wisdom and, I believe, is worth taking time out of your day to listen too.

This talk she is giving is on  our increasing lack of tolerance for vulnerability. It’s pretty powerful stuff.

I’ve just read a fantastically grounding book called “Sing & Don’t Cry” by Cate Kennedy.

Cate  spent over two years volunteering for an Australian Aid Agency assisting the Regional Union for the Support of Peasant Farmers in Mexico.

The  farmers and their families that she worked with were all desperately poor, half of the children drastically undernourished.  They rely on nothing but heart and willpower to carve out an existence  from a harsh landscape and a corrupt political system.

Encapsulated in this book are the fears and frustrations Cate and her travelling partner experienced as they wrestled with their first world knowledge and expectations in a third world country. Cate illustrates how quickly she discovered that “simple solutions” don’t really exist any more in Mexico than they do here in Australia. How as Westerners we take for granted that we know what’s best because we believe our technology, wealth and democracy provide all the answers. The question is – do they?

What I loved about this book is that with so much hardship and poverty the spiritual and community wealth of the people that Cate volunteered with jumped from the page in ways that created lumps in my throat.  For example, when a natural disaster hits a neighbouring village, people who have scrimped to save 30c for their children’s education don’t hesitate for a moment to give that money to help their neighbours. Their generosity is as  immense as is their ability to celebrate with wholehearted joy what little they do have.

At the beginning of this book all I knew about Mexico was that it had a horrendous crime rate and a huge drug problem. But by the time I had read the last page I had utter admiration for the sheer determination and perseverance the Mexican people have. They are amazing.

It reminded me (yet again) that I live an absolutely privileged life that should be celebrated and shared generously with others too. That the measure of a life is not in the assets or title  you die with but in joyously embracing those around you who you live with. In offering an ear, celebrating milestones together, knowing your neighbours and sharing your success.

I may never go to Mexico or work for an aid agency in the same way as Cate but I’ve found an organisation that facilitates business micro-loans (www.kiva.org). For $25USD I get to be part of helping other women from around the world to build better lives for themselves and their families. How cool is that – and the cost to me – the price of a couple of movie tickets!

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My son, who is hairs breath from turning 13, has been riding a vicious wave of testosterone  this week .

Our house has been fully charged and waiting to ignite.

And there have been plenty of opportunities for the fuse to be lit and yet it hasn’t. I’m attributing it to my husband and I becoming more comfortable in our adult skins.

When my son was throwing his tantrums this week,  I finally understood there was no need for me to join in.  Instead I realised that by me taking responsibility for my behaviour, I removed the need to react to his.

It may seem obvious, but it wasn’t that long ago I was convinced if my kids didn’t listen I just needed to shout louder because it was the only way to keep them safe. After all I believed that the true measure of a good parent was tight boundaries and high expectations.

What a difference time makes. Now I see a different way forward. I see how we use right and wrong to blame ourselves and others, how tight boundaries strangle growth and high expectations lead to disappointment. How responsibility and consequences enrich us.

My sons reaction to what’s happening in hiw world is not wrong, I don’t need to control it, but I can support him. I can let him know he’s loved, I can empower him by gently  questioning him so he can uncover for himself what choices he has. I can allow him to take responsibility so that he can go forward believing in himself and becoming his biggest person.

I’m not going to pretend that I have any of this licked or that it’s easy for me to be responsible all day, every day, because that’s just not true.

This week has been emotionally exhausting at times. But all growth is. What I can say is that I have made it to Friday and I’m able to celebrate my small steps forward, able to hug and kiss my son and know that it’s okay.

I didn’t fight back, I didn’t resist, I didn’t feel guilty or less than as a parent because I couldn’t fix or solve anything. I may well be going through it all again next week but that’s also okay. I will love it for what it is. I will embrace that my son loves us enough to share his confusing and often painful growth with us, to be himself at home, to allow us to support him.

And most of all I will acknowledge and celebrate with gusto that my beautiful husband and I are wonderful parents who are supported by friends, family and each other.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.  ~Josh Billings

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Yesterday I experienced being completely in the moment.  I had the most incredible day.

It was my daughter’s 17th birthday and I’d made a pact with myself that I would set aside the day to celebrate.

It would have been easy to let other things seep in. It’s the end of the financial year for our business so I have all those accounts beckoning to me, a design course awaiting  my attention and even a book that apparently is not willing to write itself.

But my intention was to put a hold on busy-ness  for a day. To allow my daughter to feel  special and to celebrate the fact that 17 years ago I bought her into the world. I wanted to experience  being a mum for the whole day – no intrusions, no interruptions.

It was magical. I was fully present in each and every moment from making french toast for her before school, to pumping up the music and pumping out the cupcakes, even  rummaging through the op shops in the afternoon was so much fun. Everything else melted away and I felt alive.

It highlighted to me how easy it is to be distracted. To allow my mind to throw a thousand random thoughts at me or keep me busy speculating about the future so much that I miss what I’m doing in the present.

I’ve got to confess  it takes a huge effort for me to stay focused and I know there are times when I just want to get whatever it is over and done with. Sometimes it’s challenging to even be fully present in a conversation, cooking a meal or reading a book. But what I had confirmed yesterday is the value of striving to be emersed in each moment. To notice when I’m pulling away and slipping into autopilot.

Whether I am being a mother, friend, wife or lover, I know it is a privilege to have that opportunity. My daughter deserved me to be fully present in the celebrations, the conversations, the experiences we share together yesterday. I deserve to be fully present in all of those moments too.

I used to think living my best, fullest life was about fulfilling big dreams and ambitions, and while they play a part in the formula, I’m coming to realise it’s not really as complicated as all that. Living my biggest life is really about  allowing myself to make the most of each day and each experience it brings by simply being present.

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Sometimes kindness and compassion are not easily extended to those we have a history with.

I was afforded an opportunity to do exactly that this week with my stepfather. A relationship that has been seared by hurt and anger since I was 10 years old.

I have demonized my stepfather my whole adult life and, to be honest,  felt righteous in doing so. I could never see past his behaviour, his problems with alcohol, his anger. I could never see him as a person who suffered from low self esteem, who had his own painful upbringing or struggles.

This week I was able to see his humanity. I was able to extend compassion to him and wish for him happiness and an end to his suffering.

For the first time I was able to  forgive him.

This wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t started with feeling more compassion for myself.

It has only taken me 44 years but I now realise that each and everyone of us is struggling with something, or regrets something we have done and has at some time hurt someone in our lives.

Blame and guilt are no longer my way forward. Ultimately I hurt myself the most when I can’t let go or forgive. Compassion is my new tool of choice.

Like every new behaviour I’m working on, I know it will take time and effort to cultivate compassion effectively but I also know it will change my world immensely.

I think the following Youtube video says it all.

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I have had the most amazing week. Part of me is still pinching myself, the other trying to find ways to bottle this feeling and stow it away.

The part that amazes me the most is that I know I have created this week for myself. I have stepped into the flow of life instead of resisting it by creating a hundred different reasons why I can’t have what I want (as has been my practise).

My first allowance was my first ever meditation retreat – for a whole weekend. It was bliss. I’ve had it on my ‘to do list’ forever but have always managed to push it to the ‘going to do  list’ (a rather large list). However the moons must have aligned when I was in the right head space  and I put my name forward, paid my money and didn’t allow the hundreds of different reasons not to, to come into play. And what a result. A weekend of self discovery that I will never forget with a bunch of the most generous people I’ve ever met.

As if I wasn’t on enough of a high, the following Tuesday I allowed myself to fly to Sydney and spend the day at ISCD the school I’m doing my correspondence course in design through. Initially I had not even considered going because (insert a number of excuses here). I’m so glad I did because it changed my whole perspective on the course I’m doing, of what’s possible for me. Again I was greeted by the most generous teachers and fellow students. The day was incredible. I walked away knowing I am fully supported and part of something wonderful. I also walked away with a treasure list of new friends.

Neither of these experiences would have been possible if I had not allowed it in. If I had stopped myself before I had even started I wouldn’t be writing this blog, feeling this joy, knowing that everything is possible.

Sometimes all we have to do is convert the possibilities that are presented to us each day into action. To say yes and believe in ourselves (even when our stomach is jumping through hoops at the thought).

In the past I have practised using lack to stop myself embracing new opportunities. Lack of money – an oldy but a reliable goodie, lack of time – others need me, lack of contacts, knowledge, confidence. What I discovered this week is that I don’t have to do that anymore. Yes just isn’t as scary as I thought it would be, and even when it is, the results are worth the initial fear.

I dare you to try it too.

In this spirit I wanted to share with you the following passage I  discovered.

Unknown
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another’s judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

Image via Wikipedia

What I love most about the Internet is the access I have to generous and inspirational human beings.

Elizabeth Gilbert is one of the many woman who inspire me to aim higher, believe in myself more, want to share with others my special talents and enjoy my life complete with all its bumps, humps and triumphs.

I’m hoping that, like me,  you will glean something from this talk that she gave on creativity.

I’ve listened to it several times and every time I hear something that speaks to me. I love that she has adopted the views of the ancient Romans and Greeks on where our inspiration comes from and how this allows us to be kinder and more trusting with ourselves.

I urge you to take the time to listen to this with a cup of tea (my preference) and an open mind – it just may spark something for you too.

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It is fair to say that when it comes to resistance I have not only dipped my toes in the water but have bathed in an ocean of it.

Some of my favourite ways of experiencing resistance over the years have been in my dealings with big, small and medium sized business  (I don’t like to discriminate). The outcome of which has  allowed me to feel outraged, unempowered and unfairly treated, and sometimes all in the same day and for a protracted period.

Luckily I have had the good fortune to learn a thing or two over the last few years  about the way my mind likes to create little dramas in order for me to feel unempowered. One of these dramas is that I don’t have choice – that these resistances are necessary for me to survive in this tough world.   The reality is I always have choice.

And I had the opportunity to remember this, this week  courtesy of my gorgeous husband.

You see his credit card was suspended and neither of us could understand why. We had made a timely and sizable payment on the account and yet the bank (NAB) had not only suspended his card but charged us an overdue fee.

When hubby rang the NAB and explained the situation he was told his card had been suspended because we had paid it a day too early and they wouldn’t accept it as a payment off the minimum due, but instead had treated it as a general payment which meant that the account still incurred an overdue fee.

At the time I was sitting next to my hubby listening to the person on the other end of the phone explaining this. My face was turning an ugly shade of red and a diatribe of colourful words were eager to  jump out of my mouth. And yet my husband calmly listened, had a little chuckle to himself, clarified the rules of the game for next time and hung up with not an once of  malice. I on the other hand was outraged.

The first thing that I wanted to grasp hold of was here we go again another corporation trying to screw us. But then I got it. My husband had made a choice not to resist, yes the bank got their $5 late fee, but so what.

Not only had my husband taken responsibility for what had happened and is now armed with the information he needs not to have it happen again, but he rather cleverly got to enjoy the rest of his evening. He was empowered.

I’m not advocating giving in, there are times and places for making a stand, but taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, and choosing what you want to  experience is incredibly empowering.

What are your experiences? Are you quick to react like I have been?  What empowers you? Please join this discussion by leaving a comment.

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One of my reoccurring thoughts is ‘I wish I had done (insert long wishlist here) sooner’.

I know it’s pointless and that it’s just another manifestation of self doubt but that doesn’t stop it slipping past the gatekeeper.

I’m sure at least one of you knows how this one goes.

If only I had pursued interior design twenty years ago, if only I had travelled to…., if only I had tried that, done this, not eaten that, called so and so…., not said or done this with my kids/partner/friend,  blah, blah, blah.

My monkey mind can conjure up these scenarios all day long. It’s another tool it uses to keep me safe from myself. The, ‘Oh you’ve left it too late so you might as well give up’ tool.

What I’m learning to do is add a twist to this thinking. When I start to feel a case of the If only’s on the rise I play a little game of  connect the dots.

It goes like this – Okay self  is there any chance that the experiences you have had in the last few years may be part of the bigger picture that you’re not able to see YET? Of course the answer here is a long drawn out Yesssss. Is it possible that some of the people you’ve met, situations you’ve been in, life experiences you’ve been exposed to might be pivotal in your future? Again Yessss. Is it true that you missed the train and all that’s left for you to do is sit in a corner and watch life go by? Nooo.

It’s about here that my  foot eases off the fear accelerator and starts to calm.

The truth is when my mind is in balance I get that life is created in each moment. That every minute carries the opportunity to move forward and that I don’t have to see the end result yet – I can just take one step at a time, one breath at a time.

I doubt my monkey mind will ever fully allow this but that’s okay as long as I keep encouraging myself forward I’m going to be alright.

How about you?